by Kelli Bowen
My sister teased me because when talking to Miss E this past weekend, I busted out the “Gurrrrrrrl…” you know “Gurrrrrrrl, I know you didn’t think you were going to get away with being disrespectful like that”, “Gurrrrrrrl you’d better be taking those toys back to your bedroom and not messing up my living room”, or “Gurrrrrrrl, I see you trying to sneak a treat while I’m making dinner, you’d better put that back.” I don’t even remember what I “Gurrrrrrrl”ed my girl for, but I know of some instances in the past year that I wish someone would have Gurrrrrrrled me.
Gurrrrrrrl I don’t know why you’re complaining about how slow these children are getting out of the house, because believe it or not in March…no one is going anywhere and you’ll be missing these 7:30 a.m. arguments when you need to drive 25 miles, plus stop in the middle and drop kids off, before 8. You’ll be wishing you’d have somewhere to go.
Gurrrrrrrl put the Pringles down. You do not need another snack. I know your “home office” is seven feet from the kitchen, and your eyes are tired, but you do not need to stretch your legs and rest your eyes by walking to the pantry. The Covid 15 isn’t real, but the Covid 30 is going to be.
Gurrrrrrl do not scream at the children. In 15 years your house is going to be crickets and you are going to miss this chaos. Plus if you lose your mind and full-psycho-mom scream, this memory is going to be hard-wired into their memories forever. I know this is the fourth video call they’ve tried to sabotage, but you saw the IT guy’s kid in the background asking a bunch of questions on his call too. We’re all in the same boat. Remember Gina’s yapping dog in the last meeting? She doesn’t know how to mute herself. Mute your line, skew the background and threaten. I repeat: Gurrrrrrrl do not scream-well that happened.
Gurrrrrrrl close the Zulily, Amazon, and Costco browsers. You don’t need it. It doesn’t matter if it’s on clearance. Buy one get one 4% off isn’t even a good deal! Stop it. Don’t add it to the cart. Take that OUT of the cart. You don’t even know anyone who wears that size. That’s not even seasonal. You are buying Christmas decor in May. In MAY. I hope there’s room in the back of the closet, because you know Hubby is going wonder what’s your damage is if he sees this before October.
Gurrrrrrrl you’re going to make some great backyard memories with your kids this year and this is the summer your family is going to fall in love with camping. Through a pandemic, allergies, head injuries, working-from-home, and school closures, you’re going to rise and handle your business. Make sure you tell a friend, and especially yourself, Gurrrrrrrl you’ve got this.
Kelli makes her home in rural Cass County with her husband, two daughters (8 and 4), three dogs, and random poultry. She works for a regional seed company by day and tries to be an alright mom, wife, friend and writer by night.